The Northern Plight is Dot Comed

Hi Kids

Today is a very exciting day for us here at the Northern Plight. We've got a domain!

http://northernplight.com

We're also on wordpress. Hopefully this'll give us some more flexibility with site design. Plus, it'll put a bigger emphasis on your comments, which is what we love to see.

So go ahead and take the leap guys.

And never come back here again. - WOODWARD

Headlines for the Week

front page:
DEPARTMENT CHAPEL: NOT JUST FOR SKIPPING ANYMORE

local:
FRESHMEN GIRL DIDN'T REALIZE SHE WAS BEING HIT ON

business:
HURTING NCU BUSINESS DEPARTMENT TO MERGE WITH FINE ARTS

sports:
RAMS SOCCER TEAM PENALIZED FOR PROPHESYING A LOSS FOR THEIR OPPONENTS

technology:
WIRELESS INTERNET IN CLAY COMMONS REQUIRES A WIRE

health:
"TYPING ELBOW" NOT A VIABLE EXCUSE FOR SKIPPING BOWLING CLASS

politics:
STUDENT BODY PRESIDENT KEEPS FORGETTING HE'S STUDENT BODY PRESIDENT

opinion:
“I'M PRETTY SURE THAT KID IN MY GLOBAL PERSPECTIVES CLASS IS THE WORST SPIDER SOLITAIRE PLAYER EVER.”
-DJ Schoelen

A Letter From The Editors To You

Dear Truth-Seekers, Link-Followers, Curiosity-Quellers, and Debate-Starters (our readers),

Thank you so much for checking out our little plight. Your support has helped make The Northern Plight the 2nd or 3rd most popular satirical news blog with a pigeon logo in NCU history. The following statistics are real (I know sometimes it's hard to tell with us)

- From it's inception on July 21 to the minute I'm writing this, The Northern Plight has had 1,319 page visits from 388 Absolute Unique Visitors from 13 countries and 29 states (including Alaska but not Hawaii).

- 1/3 of our entire visits have occurred in the last 7 days and we are now averaging over 60 hits per day.

We are both shocked and a little humbled by the response we've seen and still don't know exactly what to do with ourselves. Frankly, it's amazing to imagine people other then professors are reading something we've written, and even sometimes having something to say about it!

We think people like what they're seeing here, and appreciate it more then you might realize. Even if you disagree with us, it hasn't stopped you from stopping by, and at times, telling us so.

Thanks for your patience with us as we continue to develop our writing styles and topics into something worth your attention. We believe there is potential for this silly little blog to spark something very good at North Central. We hope you'll stick around to see it played out.

Your editors
Woodward and Bernstein

OPINION: My Ministry Is Totally More Post-Modern Than Yours

You guys can't handle how relevant my church is.

By: James Bromley
Church Planter

Honestly, if you want people to come to your church, you've got to be willing to meet them on their level. The internet, relationships, post-modernism, new generation, 360 degree leadership, incense... these are the things the every day person cares about. Seriously, I was just reading in that new Donald Bell trendy church book Everyday Situations Are More Spiritual Than You Thought about how churches today need to be more emerging, casual, authentic, formal, simple, leadership oriented, communal, have cool videos, and attendee oriented. And that's exactly the vision Hopewalk Christian Center is accomplishing in this community.

You can ask anyone in my po-mo (post-modern for those of you unaware) congregation, and they'll tell you, Hopewalk has the coolest website and the elitist lobby coffee shop of any church in the area. And believe me, my people know. They used to attend your church, as well as 5 or 6 other none high-definition chuches in the city.

Get with it old guys! It's time to get back to the 1st century church! Get yourselves a cool logo already and a book deal for your pastors. If you haven't released a series of video devotionals with accompanying discussion guide, you're already out of touch. This is the information age and it's time the church recognize it by posting on our blogs.

As the number of Americans attending church continues to fall and yet the number of mega-churches continues to rise it's time to ask ourselves an important question. Why am I not one of those mega-churches? There's a reason I left the business field to become a pastor. It's because I had a burden to be in charge of something! In charge of something God would grow and bless to make me make him look awesome!

Read the counterpoint

OPINION: "Dear Girl Who Was Clipping Her Finger Nails During Chapel"

By: Schroeder Bernstein
Co-Founder of The Northern Plight

I did not want it to come to this, but forget satire, this is my real opinion.

I just so happened to stumble into the Chapel at North Central University right around 11:00 AM on a Friday and decided to stay. Worship was as good as usual, there was a mini-altar time and then 'the Man' Gordon Anderson came up to pour out his heart. Being that this is my fourth year at North Central none of this was out of the ordinary. I was fully prepared for the service to go a little long and then scurry off to Noodles and Co. at the Seven Corners with some friends. Then, out of nowhere this sharp "snap" rings into my consciousness.

Granted, I have seen a lot of interesting things that people do during chapel. I've seen kids fall asleep, read books, do sudoku, polish off a paper that is due after lunch, couples practically making out, and even a professor or two playing solitaire on their PDA's. But watching this girl attack her fingernails while the good Doctor Anderson was hitting his stride made something inside me "snap". I am by no means exempting myself or anybody else from not paying attention in Chapel, but this was just too far. I have three points on this matter.

First, in order to execute this act one has to think ahead and actually BRING FINGERNAIL CLIPPERS to Chapel. At least when people fall asleep they can chalk it up to an accident, but you pre-thought this out. I understand college life is hectic and you might not have as much time as you expected for personal grooming. Maybe instead of updating yesterday's pictures from Applebees on your Facebook, you could cut that time a little short and get your fingernails all evened out in the proper forum (a bathroom). That way when Dr. Anderson starts to cry over his vision for the school, the moment isn't ruined by a quick "click" and the distraction of a quarter-inch piece of nail flying three rows behind you.

Secondly, when you are bored with chapel, you shouldn't bring others around you down as well. I am positive that everyone within a 35 foot radius knew what you were doing and instantly stopped paying attention to the message to watch this train wreck occur. The last time I saw that many people poke their friends and point was when they introduced the waffle iron in the cafeteria.

Thirdly, it's just plain gross. Another fragment of your nail literally hit me in the chest and I had to brush it off my lap. There aren't a lot of rules for clipping your fingernails but I'm pretty sure that if at ANY time one of your nail shards hits someone you don't know, you may need to re-evaluate the context in which your fingernail beautification is taking place.

I know we are all guilty of being apathetic in some way, shape or form towards Chapels at some point or another. But please, girl who was clipping her fingernails, don't ever do that again. Especially if your next step is touching up the hair on your legs. I know I shouldn't put God in a box, but even Jesus wouldn't be able to pay attention if that was going on two rows in front of Him.
-Bernstein

"Trask Worship Center" To Be Renamed "Center For Trask Worship"

THE CHAPEL, MINNEAPOLIS, MN - In an effort to indicate North Central is not only a Christ-Centered but also a Springfield-Centered University, officials have announced a new name for the main assembly building. This multi-million dollar campus centerpiece originally titled "The Trask Word and Worship Center," will now be called "The Center For Trask Worship." This announcement has reportedly been in the works ever since Thomas Trask stepped down as General Superintendent of the Assemblies of God last summer. Theories abound as to why the change has occurred now, but many believe the name is a statement of allegiance to a more traditional approach to the church.

"We toyed around with a few ideas," one anonymous building committee member told reporters. "'The Center For Worshipping God With The Initial Physical Evidence of Speaking In Tongues' was a contender for a while; so was 'The Chapel of Traditional Pentecostal Worship and None Of That Scary Emerging Business.' Frankly, the only reason 'Revival Or Bust, Center For Attacking The Gates of Hell' didn't pass was because 'The Center For Trask Worship' was easier to put together using the words from the old sign."

The name change has received mixed reviews from students, faculty, and alumni alike. Some have criticized the name change for being a "step backwards into tradition" while others have commended the renaming and the focus it seems to connotate as a "return to traditional values."

"The debate about method, paradigms, and the structure of church in the 21st century continues to crawl along in the American Assemblies of God, and such a change is a bold statement by an AG University," said one source close to those responsible for the decision. "One wonders if such drastic statements in this direction (or any other for that matter) is wise when trying to encourage honest discussion regarding these issues."

While "The Center For Trask Worship" may indeed be an important statement for those who have an interest in the outcome of that debate, students who still attend the building daily for their chapel attendance requirement expect little change. All reports indicate chapel will remain going an average of 10 minutes over time and require you to act like you care about school sports. - WOODWARD

Read the counterpoint

Miss South Carolina Accepted To NCU

Caitlin Upton addressing Geography Education during the Miss Teen USA 2007 Pageant. This youtube video gathered more 3.5 million views less then 48 hours after the competition aired on TV.

CHARLESTON, SOUTH CAROLINA - Miss Teen USA pageant contestant Caitlin Upton stunned judges and audiences last week with her unlikely response to a question regarding Geography Education in the United States. Now the North Central admissions board is proud to announce Miss South Carolina's acceptance to NCU and her success in meeting the rigorous educational standards set by a four year college.

This morning, a representative from North Central issued a statement to reporters. "Miss Upton clearly represents the caliber of students we seek to invite into our classrooms at North Central. She's smart, well-groomed, grew up in a conservative charismatic church, and she told us God called her to do something or other."

The announcement comes in the face of ongoing questions concerning North Central's acceptance standards. The accredited college has long been known to accept applicants before they've completed a FAFSA or even taken an ACT or SAT test. Concerns have also arisen regarding numerous students who've consistently proven themselves unable to pay their tuition yet remain in North Central classrooms, digging themselves deeper into debt instead of taking time out from college to gain greater financial security.

"For me there was really no question," said Jacob Lewis, a Youth Ministry major who openly admits to struggling both academically and financially since his acceptance last year. "I knew I wanted to work with young people in a church, and I've always been told I needed a four year degree to do something like that. North Central was my only option."

It's been argued that many at NCU assume anyone who presents themselves as having a healthy relationship with Christ that asks to go North Central, probably belongs at North Central. Regardless many have started asking the question whether or not college (and the inevitable debt that follows) really is the best route for some young people. It is amidst these growing questions Caitlin Upton will arrive on campus ready to be a voice for those who don't own maps. Her academic career could be an important element in the future of this debate. - WOODWARD