The Northern Plight is Dot Comed

Hi Kids

Today is a very exciting day for us here at the Northern Plight. We've got a domain!

http://northernplight.com

We're also on wordpress. Hopefully this'll give us some more flexibility with site design. Plus, it'll put a bigger emphasis on your comments, which is what we love to see.

So go ahead and take the leap guys.

And never come back here again. - WOODWARD

Headlines for the Week

front page:
DEPARTMENT CHAPEL: NOT JUST FOR SKIPPING ANYMORE

local:
FRESHMEN GIRL DIDN'T REALIZE SHE WAS BEING HIT ON

business:
HURTING NCU BUSINESS DEPARTMENT TO MERGE WITH FINE ARTS

sports:
RAMS SOCCER TEAM PENALIZED FOR PROPHESYING A LOSS FOR THEIR OPPONENTS

technology:
WIRELESS INTERNET IN CLAY COMMONS REQUIRES A WIRE

health:
"TYPING ELBOW" NOT A VIABLE EXCUSE FOR SKIPPING BOWLING CLASS

politics:
STUDENT BODY PRESIDENT KEEPS FORGETTING HE'S STUDENT BODY PRESIDENT

opinion:
“I'M PRETTY SURE THAT KID IN MY GLOBAL PERSPECTIVES CLASS IS THE WORST SPIDER SOLITAIRE PLAYER EVER.”
-DJ Schoelen

A Letter From The Editors To You

Dear Truth-Seekers, Link-Followers, Curiosity-Quellers, and Debate-Starters (our readers),

Thank you so much for checking out our little plight. Your support has helped make The Northern Plight the 2nd or 3rd most popular satirical news blog with a pigeon logo in NCU history. The following statistics are real (I know sometimes it's hard to tell with us)

- From it's inception on July 21 to the minute I'm writing this, The Northern Plight has had 1,319 page visits from 388 Absolute Unique Visitors from 13 countries and 29 states (including Alaska but not Hawaii).

- 1/3 of our entire visits have occurred in the last 7 days and we are now averaging over 60 hits per day.

We are both shocked and a little humbled by the response we've seen and still don't know exactly what to do with ourselves. Frankly, it's amazing to imagine people other then professors are reading something we've written, and even sometimes having something to say about it!

We think people like what they're seeing here, and appreciate it more then you might realize. Even if you disagree with us, it hasn't stopped you from stopping by, and at times, telling us so.

Thanks for your patience with us as we continue to develop our writing styles and topics into something worth your attention. We believe there is potential for this silly little blog to spark something very good at North Central. We hope you'll stick around to see it played out.

Your editors
Woodward and Bernstein

OPINION: My Ministry Is Totally More Post-Modern Than Yours

You guys can't handle how relevant my church is.

By: James Bromley
Church Planter

Honestly, if you want people to come to your church, you've got to be willing to meet them on their level. The internet, relationships, post-modernism, new generation, 360 degree leadership, incense... these are the things the every day person cares about. Seriously, I was just reading in that new Donald Bell trendy church book Everyday Situations Are More Spiritual Than You Thought about how churches today need to be more emerging, casual, authentic, formal, simple, leadership oriented, communal, have cool videos, and attendee oriented. And that's exactly the vision Hopewalk Christian Center is accomplishing in this community.

You can ask anyone in my po-mo (post-modern for those of you unaware) congregation, and they'll tell you, Hopewalk has the coolest website and the elitist lobby coffee shop of any church in the area. And believe me, my people know. They used to attend your church, as well as 5 or 6 other none high-definition chuches in the city.

Get with it old guys! It's time to get back to the 1st century church! Get yourselves a cool logo already and a book deal for your pastors. If you haven't released a series of video devotionals with accompanying discussion guide, you're already out of touch. This is the information age and it's time the church recognize it by posting on our blogs.

As the number of Americans attending church continues to fall and yet the number of mega-churches continues to rise it's time to ask ourselves an important question. Why am I not one of those mega-churches? There's a reason I left the business field to become a pastor. It's because I had a burden to be in charge of something! In charge of something God would grow and bless to make me make him look awesome!

Read the counterpoint

OPINION: "Dear Girl Who Was Clipping Her Finger Nails During Chapel"

By: Schroeder Bernstein
Co-Founder of The Northern Plight

I did not want it to come to this, but forget satire, this is my real opinion.

I just so happened to stumble into the Chapel at North Central University right around 11:00 AM on a Friday and decided to stay. Worship was as good as usual, there was a mini-altar time and then 'the Man' Gordon Anderson came up to pour out his heart. Being that this is my fourth year at North Central none of this was out of the ordinary. I was fully prepared for the service to go a little long and then scurry off to Noodles and Co. at the Seven Corners with some friends. Then, out of nowhere this sharp "snap" rings into my consciousness.

Granted, I have seen a lot of interesting things that people do during chapel. I've seen kids fall asleep, read books, do sudoku, polish off a paper that is due after lunch, couples practically making out, and even a professor or two playing solitaire on their PDA's. But watching this girl attack her fingernails while the good Doctor Anderson was hitting his stride made something inside me "snap". I am by no means exempting myself or anybody else from not paying attention in Chapel, but this was just too far. I have three points on this matter.

First, in order to execute this act one has to think ahead and actually BRING FINGERNAIL CLIPPERS to Chapel. At least when people fall asleep they can chalk it up to an accident, but you pre-thought this out. I understand college life is hectic and you might not have as much time as you expected for personal grooming. Maybe instead of updating yesterday's pictures from Applebees on your Facebook, you could cut that time a little short and get your fingernails all evened out in the proper forum (a bathroom). That way when Dr. Anderson starts to cry over his vision for the school, the moment isn't ruined by a quick "click" and the distraction of a quarter-inch piece of nail flying three rows behind you.

Secondly, when you are bored with chapel, you shouldn't bring others around you down as well. I am positive that everyone within a 35 foot radius knew what you were doing and instantly stopped paying attention to the message to watch this train wreck occur. The last time I saw that many people poke their friends and point was when they introduced the waffle iron in the cafeteria.

Thirdly, it's just plain gross. Another fragment of your nail literally hit me in the chest and I had to brush it off my lap. There aren't a lot of rules for clipping your fingernails but I'm pretty sure that if at ANY time one of your nail shards hits someone you don't know, you may need to re-evaluate the context in which your fingernail beautification is taking place.

I know we are all guilty of being apathetic in some way, shape or form towards Chapels at some point or another. But please, girl who was clipping her fingernails, don't ever do that again. Especially if your next step is touching up the hair on your legs. I know I shouldn't put God in a box, but even Jesus wouldn't be able to pay attention if that was going on two rows in front of Him.
-Bernstein

"Trask Worship Center" To Be Renamed "Center For Trask Worship"

THE CHAPEL, MINNEAPOLIS, MN - In an effort to indicate North Central is not only a Christ-Centered but also a Springfield-Centered University, officials have announced a new name for the main assembly building. This multi-million dollar campus centerpiece originally titled "The Trask Word and Worship Center," will now be called "The Center For Trask Worship." This announcement has reportedly been in the works ever since Thomas Trask stepped down as General Superintendent of the Assemblies of God last summer. Theories abound as to why the change has occurred now, but many believe the name is a statement of allegiance to a more traditional approach to the church.

"We toyed around with a few ideas," one anonymous building committee member told reporters. "'The Center For Worshipping God With The Initial Physical Evidence of Speaking In Tongues' was a contender for a while; so was 'The Chapel of Traditional Pentecostal Worship and None Of That Scary Emerging Business.' Frankly, the only reason 'Revival Or Bust, Center For Attacking The Gates of Hell' didn't pass was because 'The Center For Trask Worship' was easier to put together using the words from the old sign."

The name change has received mixed reviews from students, faculty, and alumni alike. Some have criticized the name change for being a "step backwards into tradition" while others have commended the renaming and the focus it seems to connotate as a "return to traditional values."

"The debate about method, paradigms, and the structure of church in the 21st century continues to crawl along in the American Assemblies of God, and such a change is a bold statement by an AG University," said one source close to those responsible for the decision. "One wonders if such drastic statements in this direction (or any other for that matter) is wise when trying to encourage honest discussion regarding these issues."

While "The Center For Trask Worship" may indeed be an important statement for those who have an interest in the outcome of that debate, students who still attend the building daily for their chapel attendance requirement expect little change. All reports indicate chapel will remain going an average of 10 minutes over time and require you to act like you care about school sports. - WOODWARD

Read the counterpoint

Miss South Carolina Accepted To NCU

Caitlin Upton addressing Geography Education during the Miss Teen USA 2007 Pageant. This youtube video gathered more 3.5 million views less then 48 hours after the competition aired on TV.

CHARLESTON, SOUTH CAROLINA - Miss Teen USA pageant contestant Caitlin Upton stunned judges and audiences last week with her unlikely response to a question regarding Geography Education in the United States. Now the North Central admissions board is proud to announce Miss South Carolina's acceptance to NCU and her success in meeting the rigorous educational standards set by a four year college.

This morning, a representative from North Central issued a statement to reporters. "Miss Upton clearly represents the caliber of students we seek to invite into our classrooms at North Central. She's smart, well-groomed, grew up in a conservative charismatic church, and she told us God called her to do something or other."

The announcement comes in the face of ongoing questions concerning North Central's acceptance standards. The accredited college has long been known to accept applicants before they've completed a FAFSA or even taken an ACT or SAT test. Concerns have also arisen regarding numerous students who've consistently proven themselves unable to pay their tuition yet remain in North Central classrooms, digging themselves deeper into debt instead of taking time out from college to gain greater financial security.

"For me there was really no question," said Jacob Lewis, a Youth Ministry major who openly admits to struggling both academically and financially since his acceptance last year. "I knew I wanted to work with young people in a church, and I've always been told I needed a four year degree to do something like that. North Central was my only option."

It's been argued that many at NCU assume anyone who presents themselves as having a healthy relationship with Christ that asks to go North Central, probably belongs at North Central. Regardless many have started asking the question whether or not college (and the inevitable debt that follows) really is the best route for some young people. It is amidst these growing questions Caitlin Upton will arrive on campus ready to be a voice for those who don't own maps. Her academic career could be an important element in the future of this debate. - WOODWARD

HEADLINES FOR THIS WEEK

front page:
CHRISTIAN UNCOMFORTABLE WITH LIFTING HANDS DURING CHAPEL IS ONLY ONE LEFT CLAPPING

local:
STREET WITNESS OUTING ENDS IN STUDENTS CONVERSION TO ISLAM

politics:
HOSTESS RELEASES "OBAMA CAKES' IN ATTEMPT TO MATCH SUCCESS OF "DOLE BANANAS" AND KERRY/"HEINZ KETCHUP"

health:
FRESHMEN WITH BLOODY NOSE SEARCHES FOR SCHOOL NURSE

student life:
STUDENT ACTIVITIES COMMITTEE CHANGES NAME TO "COLLEGIATE OFFICERS CONTROLLING THE COMMOTION" IN EFFORT TO AVOID 'SACK' JOKES

technology:
GOOGLE SEARCH FOR RESEARCH ON 'TROUBLED TEENS' MORE RISKY THAN PREVIOUSLY THOUGHT

opinion:
'I THINK MY ROOMMATE MIGHT BE GAY, BUT THERE IS ONLY ONE WAY TO BE SURE..." - JAKE SHIMETT

Worship Live Livid with Audience

MINNEAPOLIS, MINNESOTA - Recently at North Central University, the worship band designated to lead music during the majority of the mandatory chapel services has grown increasingly fed up with their audience. “They just don’t take us literally when we say to hold the applause ‘til we’re finished with the song. When everyone tries clapping during the song, it just throws the groove off,” explains the Worship Live bassist.

Another problem that has arisen for Worship Live is it seems most people are not even paying attention to them. “Half of the concert hall has their eyes closed while they’re reaching out to us. The support is nice but honestly, we want all your attention not just half of it,” added their drummer.

Worship Live is a group of students plucked from the ranks of mainly Music Majors to perform almost everyday at 11:00 AM at the Trask Worship Center on the NCU campus. They represent the best of the best at NCU, if not just the ones with the most time on their hands. This lack of enthusiasm towards their performances has become a growing concern for the members and organizers of the group.

“With the record industry in such a state of distress, live shows are the best way to judge if your music is actually reaching people. CD sales and Billboard charts are almost meaningless.” A North Central Music Professor states. “If Worship Live isn’t getting their support during Chapel they may as well just forget about getting the funding to cut a record this year.”

So with the fate of this year’s Worship Live up in the air, the group has been scouring the internet and Christian Book stores for all the Hillsong CD’s they can find. The acoustic guitarist explains, “We have to hit ‘em hard, and nothing does that like a song written in Australia that is extremely overused during the summer camp season.” - BERNSTEIN

Christian Dinner Party Discusses World Poverty Over Stuffed Lobster and Caviar

"Frankly, in order to make a real difference, we're all going to have to make sacrifices. Oh, could you please pass the cream sauce? - Lifelong Evangelical Christian Leonard White

EDINA, MN - Sam and Hannah Kannon finally got together for dinner with their friends Leonard and Julianne White last Friday night. The long time attenders of First Assembly Tabernacle had been discussing spending time together ever since Martha and Julianne ran into each other unexpectedly in the condiment aisle of Byerly's 3 years ago. The evening's conversation topics ranged from the warranty on Leonard's new Buick to the recipe for the meringue on the dessert. As the main course was served, talk turned to more serious items like politics, religion, and eventually, the situation of world poverty.

"Well, that missionary last Sunday just broke my heart with his video of all those hungry Africans," said Julianne White as she lit the candles in the table's centerpiece. "We wrote him a check so he can give all those poor kids some Bibles."

"I think part of the offering also went to building a school in a remote village," added Hannah Kannon.

Leonard White cleared his throat gruffly, and complained, "It's too bad about that school. After all, what's the point of feeding people or teaching them to read if they're just going to go to hell anyway?"

This seemed to end the line of conversation until Sam Kannon inquired whether or not meeting physical needs might make people more receptive to hearing what could meet their spiritual needs.

"I suppose that might work," responded Julianne White. "But then we'd have to buy a lot of food to give away, wouldn't we?" She added after offering her guests more potatoes.

Leonard paused for a moment before pronouncing thoughtfully, "I see your point but it all just sounds too Catholic to me. We can't afford to make the Gospel a good works thing. I mean, it's not like Jesus wasted time feeding people or providing medical help when there was a sermon to be preached."

A few moments later Hannah began explaining how at times Jesus' gospel seemed to be a two fold message of promising a fuller life both now and after death when Leonard interrupted by explaining how Jesus also said we'd always have the poor with us so it was better not to worry too much about trying to help them.

The discussion subject then changed to the unusual amount of storms the Twin Cities had been experiencing recently and the dinner continued without incident. The Kannons left around 10:30 that evening with promises of getting together again soon, and both couples later told reporters how delicious the lemon meringue was. - WOODWARD

OPINION: "Just Because I Forgot Your Name, It Doesn't Mean I Don't Like You"

By: David Lee Cho
Senior Pastoral Studies Major

"Hey there . . . um . . . young lady! How was your summer!"
"What? No of course not. It's Gabriella right?"

Look, it was a long 3 months ok? And we didn't talk and I'm not sure if you're even one of my friends on facebook. I mean, I'll definitely invite you now, even send you a gift and a friend survey, honest. I really thought you were cool last year and I'd hoped we could continue having our casual acquaintance relationship.

I saw you across the parking lot and I did everything I could to remember your name before you greeted me. I asked my friend Kenny here, but he couldn't remember either. Look, I've got my phone out and I was even scrolling down the list. Your name started with an S, right? I was gonna ask you to call me to double check we still had eachother's cell numbers (secretly hoping your name would pop up on the caller ID) but you didn't even give me a chance Donna. Don? Danielle? erm, Dani?

If that didn't work I was gonna walk with you to Miller Hall talking about myself so as to not reveal how little I know about you. If we'd just made it a little further, you would have taken out your student ID to open the door and I would have asked to see it (cause I have such a HUGE interest in how we looked when we were freshmen). Isn't it enough that if I didn't remember your name, I was at least going to go to huge lengths to figure it out Amy, cough* Amanda? Am I even close?

Ok, fine, I'll just be honest with you. I totally had a crush on you Sophomore year when we had Bible Study Methods together... Sys. Theo. II together, of course. Wait was it you? Maybe Kenny had the crush on you. I can't remember now. Was it you or your sister?

Look, sometimes I just forget important stuff, so please don't take it personally. You can forget my name sometime, no really, I won't even make a big deal about it. Why don't you gimme a call this week and I'll take you to coffee. We'll talk about old times.

Oh what's that? You're new here?

Hi my name is David, what's yours?

NCU Freshman Have 'Pretty Good Idea' Of What They're Getting Into

THE CORNER OF ELLIOT AVE AND HIGH EXPECTATIONS, MINNEAPOLIS, MN - With the 2007 - 2008 academic year swiftly approaching commencement, no one is more anxious to begin than the Freshman class of 2012. Precarious cinder-block stacked furniture, inaugural high fives with Thomas, and wandering eyes for the opposite sex abounded this week as hundreds of first years destined for graduation, transfer, or dropout piled into Northcentral dormitories. For most students, college is the first time they will live outside of their parents' homes and bear new levels of responsibility. Despite their limited experience, many freshmen have already gathered ideas on what the next year has for them.

"I'll probably have some early academic enthusiasm that will taper off somewhere in mid-October after the first time I stay up all night for no reason," said Youth Development Major Nick Sarafan as he carried a box of XBox components into his Carlson dorm room. "I mean, hey, it's college dude, no parents!"

"I've already written three songs about girls I've seen walk down those stairs," said one Music Performance Major seated in the Phillipps Hall with his acoustic guitar balanced on his knee. "I've got big plans to fall in love with the first girl that shows me a little attention and hastily bring about an engagement before January, only to have it break off in the spring when God calls her to be a missionary in Mongolia."

Some students have dreams of their college experience extending outside the borders of Northcentral. "God's going to use me to bring Minneapolis to its knees in prayer!" exclaimed ecstatic Freshmen Evangelism major William Kraker arranging his Nooma videos in numerical order in his new Phillipps dorm room. "I'm not being metaphorical here, honest. Every single person on the streets on this city will be praising His name by Spring, you'll see. Now, where are my Books of Hope?"

William's randomly assigned roommate arrived later smelling of tobacco and Orbitz gum. "I"ll have a rebellious attitude most of first semester and criticize Northcentral's strict rules. Frankly, I'm just too apathetic to stand up to my conservative parents who think this school will straighten me out," he muttered after calling dibs on the bottom bunk. "I hope they gave me a cool roommate," he added.

Amidst the varied voices describing their assorted hopes and fears, the response of freshmen Elementary Education Major Nicole Wiseman seemed exceptionally unique. "I think I'll just try to take what's good and leave the stuff that's bad," she told reporters calmly. "I'm sure I'll make some great friendships but I wont let them get in the way of my education, after all that's why I'm here." As for the rules, Nicole says she can't complain. "I chose to go to this school, if I'm taking everything else, I've gotta take the rules too." Nicole concluded the interview smiling with some clarification, "But that doesn't mean I can't try to change some of the old thinking and unfair stereotypes around here. Some of those rules are pretty silly!" - WOODWARD

HEADLINES FOR THIS WEEK

front page:
NCU WELCOME WEEK RENAMED "LET'S GO CHECK OUT BLOCK E WEEK"

local:
INDEPENDENT COFFEE SHOP AROUND THE CORNER SICK OF BEING COMPARED TO STARBUCKS

politics:
98% OF MINNEAPOLIS HAD NO IDEA WHO R.T. RYBAK WAS BEFORE BRIDGE TRAGEDY

health:
THREE DAY OLD WHOPPERS AND MILKDUDS ARE NOT 'THE BEST PART OF WAKING UP'

student life:
FIRST WEEKEND AT SCHOOL FOR INCOMING FRESHMEN BOASTS 14 ENGAGEMENT RINGS

technology:
I.T. WORKER MAKES ANOTHER JOKE ABOUT MEGABYTES THAT NO ONE UNDERSTANDS

opinion:
"I'M NOT A LIBERAL, BUT I'M NOT AS CONSERVATIVE AS YOU." - NOAH FJELSTAD

NCU Student Development: Turning Rebels into Leaders

MILLER HALL, MINNEAPOLIS, MN - North Central University is a private Christian college in the heart of Minneapolis. It's code of conduct is referred to as "The NCU Way" and paints a clear picture of what the school expects from Students, Staff, and Faculty. Activities and lifestyles such as smoking, drinking, use of drugs, dancing, gambling, premarital sexual activity, homosexuality, and swearing are strictly prohibited and 'supposedly' wreak swift consequences.

Fourth year Junior Jonathon Allford was recently confronted about smelling like tobacco products upon returning home from a nearby Cinema and had to meet with his RA Jonas Fletcher. "I was expecting to get reamed out hardcore about smoking but we actually only talked about that situation for like 30 seconds," Allford explains, "Then Jonas kept asking me to be a DL (Discipleship Leader) on the floor next year."

Allford is not the first student whose disciplinary meeting was more similar to an interview than an actual corrective action discussion. "I didn't even have to write a paper or do housekeeping duties to 'work off' getting caught watching an R-Rated movie in the dorms," one student reflected, "I just said I would think about applying to be in leadership and take the Leadership Development class offered in the Spring." The purpose behind this way of handling disciplinary action seems to remain unclear.

The Student Development department at North Central declined to comment, but a former member contacted the Northern Plight office and explained that NCU believes very strongly that the best way to help people recover from their 'wicked ways' is to put them in charge of their confused and vulnerable peers. Whether or not this tactic is working is still unknown. Though Allford has yet to turn in his application to be a DL and has been reported as having a very "Lysol'y" citrus smell to him. -BERNSTEIN

Annihilationist Creates Awkward Pause in Sys. Theo. IV Class

PHILLIPS HALL, MINNEAPOLIS, MN - Students shuffled feet, became very interested in their pen caps, and forced hallow coughs yesterday when NCU Junior P. Innock carried on an unconventional conversation with his instructor during Block B Systematic Theology IV. During a routine lecture concerning the eternal destination of unrepentant souls, Innock surprised his professor by asking whether or not the fire in Matthew 3:10-12 is in fact a fire of destruction and not one of torment. Witnesses report the professor was caught off guard by this question and answered by asking Innock for clarification.

"I just wanted to throw the idea out there that maybe people who don't repent simply cease to exist instead of get tortured forever." Innock told reporters later that day, "I mean, if we really believe the way to eternal life is through Jesus alone, how can someone exist completely separate from God? Like in hell for instance?"

Reportedly, the instructor answered that while the idea of simple annihilation is attractive to those who hesitate to damn those that have never had a chance to convert, the Bible simply doesn't support it.

"That's kind of what bothered me," Innock said later, "I'm not sure yet, but I think there's a strong case to at least talk about it." Witnesses report that this was the moment P. Innock directed the class to Psalm 37 where we read that "the wicked fade like grass and wither like the herb," and to Malachi 4 where it states "the day that comes shall burn them [evildoers] up, says the LORD of hosts, so that it will leave them neither root nor branch."

It was at this point what has since been called "The Pause" descended on the classroom. The professor pondered for a moment, birds could be heard chirping outside, somewhere a lonely cricket dropped a pin. "It was horrible," said one student, "One minute I was playing solitaire on my computer pretending to take notes, the next I was wondering whether or not hell existed."

"It's not what we believe in the AG," was the final answer from the professor which ended the awkward pause and seemed to allow the classroom to breathe again. Continuing with his notes, the issue didn't come up again for the remainder of the class period. "I would've liked to at least discussed it," said one Senior after, "if only to be sure of what I already believe."

In response to this, Innock has already stated he plans to do more research and present a more thorough essay once he has his facts straight. "I hope no one thinks I'm a universalist or worse, a liberal for this," Innock said before ending the interview by retreating to the library.

Those who disagree with Innock have already pledged to launch a campaign against dangerous ideas like his. Below is a future campaign poster. - WOODWARD

POSTER CAPTION: SAVE HELL, SAY NO TO LIBERAL THEOLOGY!

HEADLINES FOR THIS WEEK

front page:
TEXT MESSAGE SENT DURING CHAPEL

local:
HOT GIRL TO ENROLL IN FALL

politics:
NCU STUDENT SUPPORTS OBAMA JUST TO GET ATTENTION

health:
ALTER CALL PRAYER PARTNER POLITELY OFFERED BREATH MINT

student life:
SENIOR SIPS SUSPICIOUS MALT AND HOP BEVERAGE, GOES STRAIGHT TO HELL

technology:
PROTECTIVE CASE DESTROYS AESTHETIC APPEAL OF HIP NEW GADGET

opinion:
"I NEED A MORE GROWN UP SOUNDING EMAIL ADDRESS" - By wholetthedogsout03@aol.com

Freshmen Obeys Parking Rules: Ticketed Anyway

ZIMMERMAN PARKING LOT, MINNEAPOLIS, MN - NCU Freshmen Chad Mcelroy was flabergasted today when he discovered his 4th NCU parking ticket in as many days affixed to his windshield. "I honestly thought I did it right this time. The permit was visible, I parked in the commuter lot, I even left a small gift basket behind the wheel like the NCU Security Website suggested," Mcelroy said in an exclusive interview, "The ticket says the cause was 'Just For The Hell Of It.' Does that mean I needed to check in first?"

CLICK IMAGE FOR MORE DETAILS

Mcelroy received his first ticket his first day at North Central during welcome week while unloading his vehicle to move into Carlson Hall. "I didn't have a Special Guest Parking Pass" he explained. The second ticket was received 20 minutes after the first ticket for "Still Not Having a Special Guest Parking Pass." The third ticket came the next day after Mcelroy had registered improperly for his parking pass. "Apparently, they weren't sure if it was my car because even though the description and license matched, I'd forgot to tell them I was missing a hubcap."

"We can't be too lenient with parking." Said Officer #7 who was responsible for Mcelroy's fourth ticket, "While it's true that these lots are rarely full and that we could make everyone's lives a lot easier by being a little more reasonable; NCU Security can't afford to let students and staff abuse the authority of the law. That's why we're here, you know, to abuse authority and make up the law."

The NCU security office, who has received criticism in the past for being fickle, overly legalistic, and inflexible in special circumstances, refused to comment over the phone, stating they couldn't find a record of our inquiry on paper. - Woodward

NCU Voices: What Do You Think Of Barry Bond's Home Run Record?

"Frankly, I don't think anyone who is that cruel to animals should be allowed to cut a record. I certainly wont buy it."







Sammy Gluconi
Undeclared Major


"He couldn't hit my slider."






Alexander Mueller
Youth Ministry Major


"Joe Mauer still looks better in a batting helmet."








Cara Dusseldorf
Church Music Major



"I think there's a lesson in this for all of us. It's ok to cheat as long as you win and are well-liked."




David Christmas
English Major

OPINION - “Time to retire that joke, before I retire you.”

By: Danny Jansen Youth Development Major

Alright, we’re all guilty of it, myself extremely included, of reusing a joke or a funny story until it’s almost too much. But I am officially calling out the lack of humor and over-indulgent use of the “Bedside Assembly” joke. We all know that college students are really busy, and that at North Central we are encouraged to ‘get plugged in’ at a local church, but do we really need to regurgitate this same old hack every week?

I admit that the first time I heard mention of “Pastor Pillow” and “Sister Sheets” I giggled, you could almost consider it a chuckle, but really people, it’s had a long and plentiful life and wants to die happy and alone.

It is reasonable to understand that we have fallen prey to the glory of a good laugh and that sometimes a situation almost begs for a specific joke. But we are all adults here, you don’t need a reason to skip church, and now you have no reason to believe that the use of the “Bedside Assembly” joke is ever going to be called for again. As of today its reign over the Sunday afternoon Clay Commons conversation is officially finished. Anyone seen or heard using this joke will be put on ‘social probation’ and sentenced to 3 hours in the prayer lounge on their respective floor to think about their heinous crime. (But probably only be coming up with a new joke that will be funny at first and just get more and more repulsive every time it rings through my consciousness.)

Since we are on this subject there shall also be no more use of sexual innuendos that contain the phrases “laying on hands”, “speaking in tongues”, or “anointing with oil.” And if I hear one more freshmen girl turn my offer for a movie down because “Jesus is her boyfriend”, I might commandeer “Sister Sheets” from the church and see if she wants a job at the gallows.

Student Well Informed Of Chapel Attendance Policy Still Outraged At Consequences

CARLSON HALL, MINNEAPOLIS, MN - Sophomore Business Major Stephen Daedalus was furious yesterday to discover he was finally being put on Chapel Probation by North Central University, after repeated verbal and written warnings. According to witnesses, Daedalus stumbled out of bed at the usual hour of 11:30AM and wandered down to the mailboxes yawning, when he first discovered the letter. "This is so unfair!" Daedalus was heard yelling to no one in particular while wiping dried drool from his night shirt, "I hate this school!"

Stephen has since been seen venting his frustrations in such locales as the student life office, facebook message boards, and to customers at Caribou Coffee where he is currently employed. "I told him he was getting close to the end of his skips," Stephen's roommate Vincent Heron told reporters later that day, "I think Student Life even set up a meeting with Stephen to talk about how he might avoid probation but I think he ended up sleeping through it."

The unmade bed where Daedalus reportedly spent more then 60% of chapels last year

Jay Joy, representative of the Student Life Dept. at North Central University, issued a statement this morning. "I did everything I could to help Stephen but he ignored everything I tried. It was perfectly clear he was headed for probation but it didn't seem like he cared until yesterday."

After the press conference, Daedalus told reporters he was pressing harassment charges against North Central for what he calls "ceaseless phone calls, letters, and impromptu hallway meetings all designed to prevent me from getting a good morning's sleep." - Woodward

Bridge Tragedy Leaves Rampant Trail of Realizing What's Important In Life

MINNEAPOLIS, MN - Practically no one in Minnesota watched hit reality television show "So You Think You Can Dance" last night during Fox's Wednesday lineup. Experts cite real reality from downtown Minneapolis capturing viewers attention when the 35W bridge connecting the east and west banks of the Mississippi River collapsed leaving at least 4 dead and 79 wounded. According to analysts, many regular viewers of standby shows like "America's Next Top Model" or "The Daily Show," forwent their regular evening in front of the TV in order to call a relative they haven't spoken to in a while or to say a prayer on behalf of the families of victims.

#1 In Ratings

No One Cared

Additionally, Apple Stores reported 40% less shoppers inquiring about the iPhone, a rally protesting the mistreatment of muskrats was called off, and whiny radio talk show hosts, in light of recent events, could find nothing Hilary Clinton said significant enough to justifiably complain about.

This statewide sobering of values has left many Minnesota retailers and cosmetic surgeons worried. "We always see a big dip in sales after a tragedy," said a department store manager at the Mall of America, "It's always bad for business when dads say 'I love you' to their kids instead of buying them an HDTV." But local jewelry store owner, Isaac Luzbinski isn't worried. "This is America," he told reporters, "Buying useless stuff is how we deal with tragedy."

As area ministers and priests prepare for the guaranteed influx in attendance this Sunday, many ask themselves how long this adjustment in perspective will last. "Tragedy shouldn't be the only reminder of what we value," said one minister, "but sometimes it's all we'll respond to." - Woodward

SPOILER ALERT: Harry Potter Actually The Antichrist! Christians: "Told You So"

AMERICA'S INNOCENCE, MINNEAPOLIS, MN - Confirming the worst fears of many Evangelical Christians across the nation, Harry Potter Book 7 The Deathly Hallows, uncovers the boy wizard's true identity to be none other then the Morning Star, Satan himself, reincarnated on a broomstick. Apparently, J. K. Rowling's multi-billion dollar book/movie/toy/candy/fake tattoo franchise was nothing other then an attempt to prepare impressionable children's minds for the apocolapse.

"If you look at the facts, this revelation was unavoidable," said a professor of Eschatological Studies at North Central University in Minneapolis, MN. "Harry Potter has a lightning bolt scar on his forehead. There are 11 letters in his name. In 1997, [the year HP was first published] there was a .666% chance a child or someone in his immediate family would be struck by lightning before the age of 11. 666 is the number used by the Antichrist to mark his minions in the Bible. I believe this is a clear indication Harry Potter was meant to represent the Antichrist from the beginning."

"We knew that boy was up to no good. What with all that magicing, wizarding, and confounded quiditching."
- Focus On The Family

Despite this unsuspected conclusion, Deathly Hallows [which sold 8.3 million copies its first 24 hours in the US alone] shows no sign of slowing in world circulation, causing an outcry from Christian interests groups across the country.

"We knew that boy was up to no good. What with all that magicing, wizarding, and confounded quiditching," said Roy Slabstone Focus On The Family representative yesterday morning. "Right from the beginning, that there witchcraft was a subtle attack on the moral fabric of our society." When asked what his stance was on simply not reading the books if their content made him uncomfortable and leaving everyone else alone, Slabstone frowned quizzically and responded, "but then what would I do all day?"

Yesterday afternoon, Rowling delivered a press release via owl from her Edinburgh home in response to these allegations. "When Mephastophilis first appeared to me 10 years ago and offered to provide me with a bestselling storyline in exchange for my soul, I never thought it would end up like this."

Hit hardest by the news is Harry Potter publisher Arthur A. Levine Books who were disappointed to discover that in this age of electronic media, nothing less then a black curse cast within the pages of a book will get kids to spend time reading. - Woodward

HEADLINES THIS WEEK

front page:
SOPHOMORE COUPLE CAUGHT 'SPEAKING IN TONGUES' IN CHAPEL

nation:
NEW "PRAY AND GO" CAR SEAT UNVEILED, PUTS DRIVER ON BENDED KNEE

world:
KAZAKHSTAN NEW MISSIONARY HOTSPOT, ALL THANKS TO 'BORAT'

local:
ROOKIE NCU SECURITY BOOTS OWN CAR

sports:
NEW GROUP OF EX-HIGH SCHOOL CHEERLEADERS TRY IT AGAIN THIS YEAR

opinion:
"I CAN SING LOUDER AND BETTER WHILE WALKING DOWN THE HALLS THAN YOU." -BETHANY

Nine Days: Orange County, CA.

MILLER HALL, MINNEAPOLIS, MN - North Central University's short term, spring break missions trips have become a staple of the spring semester. It is a series of trips and students spanning the globe to spread the Word of God. The usual spots have been covered as trips are being planned for places like Africa, Asia, and South America. This year Sophomore Dean Bryce has sent a shock wave of enthusiasm when he declared that he would be leading a group to Laguna Beach, CA.

"The West Coast has always been on my heart," Bryce declared over a lunch meeting in the basement of Carlson Hall, "And there has to be tons of people in Orange County with a deep seeded need for the Gospel."

The usual hot spots for short term missions trips has traditionally been places with low income and a low quality of living. Consisting of manual labor and outreach services, most missions trips to these places don't attract a lot of attention. That is why this focus on Laguna Beach has become such a revolutionary concept. "The rich and famous need God just as much as the poor and hungry... if not more," Bryce continues.

Bryce has even coined a new term for 'Street Witnessing'. "Beach Witnessing' is going to entail our group breaking into smaller numbers and hitting the beach looking to strike up conversations with the locals." Bryce has been on many short term mission trips before and knows how 'guerrilla tactics' can be mistook. He plans to spend the first eight days of the trip living and integrating into the culture by doing things like surfing, tanning, golfing, swimming, and if the occasion calls for it... dancing. "We really need to meet them where they are at if we ever want a chance to truly reach them."

While the usual Nine Days trips have anywhere from 7-20 Christians on the team. Bryce has already received 134 emails from interested students and has had to develop an application process. So far 18 students, all from Miller Hall have been accepted and Bryce is still working out who will fill the last 6 spots. "We're really excited, and can't wait to see what God will do." -Bernstein

Sophomore Mugged By Ninja and Tiger

BACK ALLEY, MINNEAPOLIS - Area Student Carlos Gonzalez had just finished work downtown around 10 o'clock last night when his walk home to the Carlson Dormitory was interrupted by a shower of shurikens expertly trapping him in his own clothes against a brick wall in the back alley between the North Central cafeteria and T.J. Jones Library. According to Gonzalez, the terrifying roar of a jungle cat was heard reverberating between the buildings and a moment later, out of the mist appeared a glorious white tiger and upon his back, a Ninja clad all in black.

IMAGES: Police sketches of assailants

"He told me I was a worthy opponent, bowed, then removed my wallet by deftly manuevering his katana into my back pocket," Gonzalez said to police last night. Badly shaken and immobile, Gonzalez was forced to watch as the muggers dug through his belongings. Removing the $8 dollars in cash first, then mocking him for the picture on his driver's license. "It was mortifying," the Sophomore added, "they even took my Blockbuster card... my Blockbuster card!" It wasn't until the tiger threatened a mauling that Gonzalez finally gave up his Timex wrist watch.

According to witnesses in the Carlson dorm who first heard the initial roar, the alley was so thick with smoke it was impossible to see the muggers. Police assume the attackers were using a type of smoke screen device to cover their escape, or some sort of black magic.

"It's a shame a student can't walk home from work in this city without being afraid of big cats and masters of the dark martial arts." A representative from North Central University said this morning. "Just last month they finally arrested the graffiti Pirate [cause of the infamous "R"s spraypainted on bus stops and highway overhangs across the city]. It just seems like students can't get a break." Fortunately, Gonzalez escaped with little more then a headache, ripped clothes, and a good story.

Police are still searching for a male caucasian tiger approximately 9'6'' long 460 lbs and a wild ninja approximately 5'11'' weighing 175 lbs and carrying nunchaku. They may or may not be disguising themselves as a circus act to avoid detection. - Woodward

Student Can't Hack It As A Rock Star, Releases Worship Album

TRASK WORSHIP CENTER, NORTH CENTRAL UNIVERSITY, MINNEAPOLIS, MN - In a surprise move no one expected, another North Central Music Performance major will release a worship music album. After several unsuccessful attempts at creating legitimate music, Senior Michael Salvinski plans on recording what he is calling, "an acoustic cross between U2 and Steven Curtis Chapman."

Salvinski, who started writing music for music's sake in high school while teaching himself guitar, first tasted worship music recognition at his high school youth group back home in Madison, WI where he gained popularity for being able to "play that guitar solo just like the Sonicflood version." However, it wasn't until Salvinski burned all of his non-Christian music at a youth group bonfire his junior year of high school, that he recognized the potential for Christian music stardom. "After I destroyed everything from my collection not produced by Sparrow Records, I discovered all sorts of Christian bands that copied the artists I'd liked before. There was a Christian version of Coldplay, Dave Matthews Band, and The Counting Crows."

Salvinski's unprecedented landmark decision, which is all the rage these days, came after an especially uplifting Sunday morning church service when Salvinski led the congregation in a rousing Hillsong ballad. "That's when I realized it was much easier to play music for church audiences, since little things win them over. All you have to do is play with your eyes closed and improvise lyrics like 'you are everything' and 'all I want is you.'

Salvinski's new album, "God Is Higher" featuring hit single, "You Are Everything" is set to release next fall. - Woodward

Love Lost, Coping With a Cheater

MINNEAPOLIS, MINNESOTA: "I thought things were finally looking up for me," cries first year Cross-Cultural Studies Major Brandon Desalvo. "We stayed up all night talking about God and Chapel and foreign countries." After approximately one week of seemingly exclusive 'deep conversation' rights, Desalvo thought he had laid a strong enough foundation to ask fellow freshman Sarah Larson out to coffee. But all his hopes and dreams came crashing down when he saw her in a semi-intense conversation with Matt Schmidt outside their Block B Spiritual Formations Class.

"I really thought we had an unspoken connection when she told me how much she wanted to help land-mine survivors in Cambodia." Desalvo believed God had called him to that extact same region of the world for that exact same reason at a Snow Camp in 2002 at Lake Geneva Christian Center in Alexandria, MN. But just as fate was weaving their lives together, that one chance encounter ripped it all away.

"Emotional Cheating is not as physical or outright noticable as the actual act of Sexual Cheating, but it's effects can be just as devestating to a blossoming relationship." Professor and Youth Expert Brian Pingel of North Central University explains. "Especially at this age, a situaton like Brandon's could adversely affect his school work and his social life for at least a few weeks, maybe even until midterms."

Is there a solution? Pingel says that the only way to move on from a hardship like this is to just 'keep on, keeping on'. "The plus side of college life is that there are so many other people to meet and interact with." Though Desalvo is in the depths of his pained loss now, he is hopeful towards the future of being a 'free man' for awhile. He has changed his major from Cross-Cultural to Music and has written "a bunch of songs" directly dealing with his situation with Larson. He currently is looking for a drummer, bassist, and two guitarist's to finalize the line-up of his post-acoustic ensemble The Clarity Project. -Bernstein

HEADLINES THIS WEEK

front page:
FRESHMAN EATS CEREAL FOR DINNER

nation:
BUSH DECLARES SELF GOD, CONSERVATIVE NCU STUDENTS: "OUR POLITICAL VIEWS UNCHANGED"

world:
4W SECEDES FROM UNION, APPLIES FOR FOREIGN AID

local:
2 NCU STUDENTS SLAIN IN SPIRIT, FUNERALS MONDAY

sports:
NEW NCU MASCOT: "RED DEVILS"

opinion:
"I DIDN'T WANT TO BE IN ONE ACCORD ANYWAY" - HANS

YWAM Attendee finds God, Loses God.

COON RAPIDS, MINNESOTA - Michael Taylor, fresh from a “rejuvenating” 6 months in Sweden, claimed to have found God and himself during his semester at YWAM. A conservative Christian equivalent to a Semester Abroad or a Semester at Sea, DTS has helped young, confused college students find meaning in the world. “I’ve always wanted to visit places.” Taylor exclaimed on his return. “And this was a really good opportunity to strip everything away and start all over.”

When asked about what his experience taught him Taylor replied, “I realized that God always has a plan and that it doesn’t matter where or who you are, he wants to be a part of your life.”

The fervent excitement that his trip instilled in him lasted a record tying 5 and 1/2 days after his return to the states. After promptly emailing local churches to see if they had volunteer opportunities available and reconnecting at Starbucks with old friends and flames, Taylor began to slide back into the same hole he had dug for himself prior to leaving. When asked about his loss of apparent enthusiasm Taylor replied “It’s just hard to readjust to normal life. I just need a few weeks of no responsibility before I start my own devotional group or homeless outreach under the 394/94 exchange overpass.”

A follow up interview a month later was held over the kitchen counter at Taylor’s Parent’s residence in Coon Rapids. When I inquired about how his outreach was coming along Taylor exclaimed “Oh Yeah! I totally forgot about that!” and dove back into his Ramen Noodle Insta-Lunch. After forgetting which Scandinavian country he had lived in for half a year and shuffling through a past-due college reapplication Taylor kindly asked if the interview was over.

Taylor now resides in his parents basement, plans to finally get the band back together and boasts about his Level 28 Undead Rogue in the MMORPG World of Warcraft: The Burning Crusade. He also has calculated that he will have his trip paid off by mid-March 2013 - Bernstein

OPINION - "I Will Win Your Heart With My Half-Decent Rendition of Jars of Clay 'No One Loves Me Like You'"

By: Caleb Jeremiah Sieverson Youth Ministry Major

OPINION - Hello Ladies, Pastor's Kid Caleb Jeremiah from First Assembly in Wannamakieoutie Wisconsin (it's close to Milwaukee) has arrived at North Central, and I'm here to win your heart. Check out my semi-defined biceps when I wear my asian-theme printed athletic cut t-shirt. This summer my older brother kind of taught me how to play guitar and I learned just enough to almost play "No One Loves Me Like You" by Jars of Clay so I can sing for you in the back stairwell of Phillips Hall in between Halo 2 games with my suitemates. Yes ma'am, just tell me you feel called to ministry too, and we'll dream about the youth camp we're going to found together over half price appetizers at Applebee's downtown.

Are any of you in Old Testament 2nd period this semester? I'll be there, and I'll be your group project partner. We can sit next to each other in the back row and trade stories about why we stayed out past curfew the night before. Hey baby, if you're out too late just send me a text message (Kelly Clarkson is my ringtone for you) and I'll sneak down to the back door and let you in so you don't get any late points. No need to thank me, that's just the way I am. I'll probably have to come down with my shirt off though, since you woke me up and all.

Well gotta go look at myself in the mirror. Look me up on Facebook, mySpace, Bebo, blogger, Xiaonei, youtube, Flickr, Friendster, MeetUp, Passado, Stumbleupon, or Xanga. Later.

New Study Reveals 100% of NCU Students Unclean

In a recent survey of North Central University in Minneapolis, Minnesota, an astonishing 100% of students surveyed did not wash their hands after they used the lavatories.^ Not only does this statistic sicken the likes of anyone unlucky enough to know of or even step foot in NCU, it also leaves an unwelcome taste in the mouths of any non-Christians that view these students as earthly representations of what it means to model an existence after Jesus Christ.

The survey was conducted in the Phillips Hall bathroom at around 2:34 on a mild, Midwestern afternoon, with purely good intentions. The unsettling results have sent a shockwave through the community and one can only hope that NCU will issue a reactionary and apologetic statement in regards to these effectively horrendous findings. Christians refer to their terrestrial bodies as vessels or ‘temples’ that figuratively ‘house’ Jesus Christ, their ‘savior.’ So the fact that these little townhouses of the Lord could be walking around with fecal matter scattered on their hands does not bode well for Christians in the forum of positive representation concerning their beliefs and lifestyles.

If an outsider comes across this report, a misinterpretation of what it really means to be Christian in today’s world is sure to follow shortly. If they don’t have clean hands how could they have clean souls? What kind of discipline can a Christian have if they can’t spend thirty seconds sanitizing their own hands? Questions of this caliber would certainly be on the edge of their tongue, as doubts about the integrity of Christianity would begin to creep into their crowded mind. Once the facts were in, I had to check out ground zero and I myself went and used the exact same facility where the survey took place. Let’s just say that I hope to God, that the person who used the stall before me was vigorously eating a Milky Way before they decided to use the hand rail… - Bernstein

^ (The survey taken lasted 30 seconds and 1 of 1 people surveyed did not in fact wash their hands, thus 100% of the North Central population does not regularly wash their hands. It makes sense, trust me.)

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I need to host a picture here since no one looks at this site anymore. Don't laugh.

3 Killed in Handicap Door Rebellion

PHILLIPS HALL, MINNEAPOLIS, MN - Onlookers were stunned today when 2 North Central Students and some guy they met at a coffee shop somewhere were spontaneously crushed in the jaws of the double wooden doors connecting Phillips and Miller Halls. Although investigators have yet to release more specific details, the evidence suggests that someone in their entourage utilized the handicap access button normally used to open the doors for disabled users, when the doors suddenly shut at a high enough velocity to crush the skulls of all three students passing through the archway. Early autopsies indicate none of the three in the party were disabled before the accident and a lack of debris in the general area suggests all three had their hands available to them to to push the doors open like a normal human being might.

"Handicap doors are fickle entities," a spokesperson for EasyAccess the manufacturer of the doors in question, said later, "they can only take so many undisabled auto-openings before they snap." The doors themselves were unavailable for comment. A spokesperson for North Central later said to reporters, "We're currently forming an exploratory committee to investigate the cause of these accidents and develop a plan for prevention to be released some time first quarter next year. Students are advised to avoid use of all doors until that later unspecified date - or for Chrissake, stop pushing the button unless you need to."

Cassie Holmquist BFF of one of the victims, Kristi Hunter, was quoted after the accident as thinking that Megan and that guy she met at the coffee shop were "just friends." - Woodward