New Study Reveals 100% of NCU Students Unclean

In a recent survey of North Central University in Minneapolis, Minnesota, an astonishing 100% of students surveyed did not wash their hands after they used the lavatories.^ Not only does this statistic sicken the likes of anyone unlucky enough to know of or even step foot in NCU, it also leaves an unwelcome taste in the mouths of any non-Christians that view these students as earthly representations of what it means to model an existence after Jesus Christ.

The survey was conducted in the Phillips Hall bathroom at around 2:34 on a mild, Midwestern afternoon, with purely good intentions. The unsettling results have sent a shockwave through the community and one can only hope that NCU will issue a reactionary and apologetic statement in regards to these effectively horrendous findings. Christians refer to their terrestrial bodies as vessels or ‘temples’ that figuratively ‘house’ Jesus Christ, their ‘savior.’ So the fact that these little townhouses of the Lord could be walking around with fecal matter scattered on their hands does not bode well for Christians in the forum of positive representation concerning their beliefs and lifestyles.

If an outsider comes across this report, a misinterpretation of what it really means to be Christian in today’s world is sure to follow shortly. If they don’t have clean hands how could they have clean souls? What kind of discipline can a Christian have if they can’t spend thirty seconds sanitizing their own hands? Questions of this caliber would certainly be on the edge of their tongue, as doubts about the integrity of Christianity would begin to creep into their crowded mind. Once the facts were in, I had to check out ground zero and I myself went and used the exact same facility where the survey took place. Let’s just say that I hope to God, that the person who used the stall before me was vigorously eating a Milky Way before they decided to use the hand rail… - Bernstein

^ (The survey taken lasted 30 seconds and 1 of 1 people surveyed did not in fact wash their hands, thus 100% of the North Central population does not regularly wash their hands. It makes sense, trust me.)