SPOILER ALERT: Harry Potter Actually The Antichrist! Christians: "Told You So"

AMERICA'S INNOCENCE, MINNEAPOLIS, MN - Confirming the worst fears of many Evangelical Christians across the nation, Harry Potter Book 7 The Deathly Hallows, uncovers the boy wizard's true identity to be none other then the Morning Star, Satan himself, reincarnated on a broomstick. Apparently, J. K. Rowling's multi-billion dollar book/movie/toy/candy/fake tattoo franchise was nothing other then an attempt to prepare impressionable children's minds for the apocolapse.

"If you look at the facts, this revelation was unavoidable," said a professor of Eschatological Studies at North Central University in Minneapolis, MN. "Harry Potter has a lightning bolt scar on his forehead. There are 11 letters in his name. In 1997, [the year HP was first published] there was a .666% chance a child or someone in his immediate family would be struck by lightning before the age of 11. 666 is the number used by the Antichrist to mark his minions in the Bible. I believe this is a clear indication Harry Potter was meant to represent the Antichrist from the beginning."

"We knew that boy was up to no good. What with all that magicing, wizarding, and confounded quiditching."
- Focus On The Family

Despite this unsuspected conclusion, Deathly Hallows [which sold 8.3 million copies its first 24 hours in the US alone] shows no sign of slowing in world circulation, causing an outcry from Christian interests groups across the country.

"We knew that boy was up to no good. What with all that magicing, wizarding, and confounded quiditching," said Roy Slabstone Focus On The Family representative yesterday morning. "Right from the beginning, that there witchcraft was a subtle attack on the moral fabric of our society." When asked what his stance was on simply not reading the books if their content made him uncomfortable and leaving everyone else alone, Slabstone frowned quizzically and responded, "but then what would I do all day?"

Yesterday afternoon, Rowling delivered a press release via owl from her Edinburgh home in response to these allegations. "When Mephastophilis first appeared to me 10 years ago and offered to provide me with a bestselling storyline in exchange for my soul, I never thought it would end up like this."

Hit hardest by the news is Harry Potter publisher Arthur A. Levine Books who were disappointed to discover that in this age of electronic media, nothing less then a black curse cast within the pages of a book will get kids to spend time reading. - Woodward

HEADLINES THIS WEEK

front page:
SOPHOMORE COUPLE CAUGHT 'SPEAKING IN TONGUES' IN CHAPEL

nation:
NEW "PRAY AND GO" CAR SEAT UNVEILED, PUTS DRIVER ON BENDED KNEE

world:
KAZAKHSTAN NEW MISSIONARY HOTSPOT, ALL THANKS TO 'BORAT'

local:
ROOKIE NCU SECURITY BOOTS OWN CAR

sports:
NEW GROUP OF EX-HIGH SCHOOL CHEERLEADERS TRY IT AGAIN THIS YEAR

opinion:
"I CAN SING LOUDER AND BETTER WHILE WALKING DOWN THE HALLS THAN YOU." -BETHANY

Nine Days: Orange County, CA.

MILLER HALL, MINNEAPOLIS, MN - North Central University's short term, spring break missions trips have become a staple of the spring semester. It is a series of trips and students spanning the globe to spread the Word of God. The usual spots have been covered as trips are being planned for places like Africa, Asia, and South America. This year Sophomore Dean Bryce has sent a shock wave of enthusiasm when he declared that he would be leading a group to Laguna Beach, CA.

"The West Coast has always been on my heart," Bryce declared over a lunch meeting in the basement of Carlson Hall, "And there has to be tons of people in Orange County with a deep seeded need for the Gospel."

The usual hot spots for short term missions trips has traditionally been places with low income and a low quality of living. Consisting of manual labor and outreach services, most missions trips to these places don't attract a lot of attention. That is why this focus on Laguna Beach has become such a revolutionary concept. "The rich and famous need God just as much as the poor and hungry... if not more," Bryce continues.

Bryce has even coined a new term for 'Street Witnessing'. "Beach Witnessing' is going to entail our group breaking into smaller numbers and hitting the beach looking to strike up conversations with the locals." Bryce has been on many short term mission trips before and knows how 'guerrilla tactics' can be mistook. He plans to spend the first eight days of the trip living and integrating into the culture by doing things like surfing, tanning, golfing, swimming, and if the occasion calls for it... dancing. "We really need to meet them where they are at if we ever want a chance to truly reach them."

While the usual Nine Days trips have anywhere from 7-20 Christians on the team. Bryce has already received 134 emails from interested students and has had to develop an application process. So far 18 students, all from Miller Hall have been accepted and Bryce is still working out who will fill the last 6 spots. "We're really excited, and can't wait to see what God will do." -Bernstein

Sophomore Mugged By Ninja and Tiger

BACK ALLEY, MINNEAPOLIS - Area Student Carlos Gonzalez had just finished work downtown around 10 o'clock last night when his walk home to the Carlson Dormitory was interrupted by a shower of shurikens expertly trapping him in his own clothes against a brick wall in the back alley between the North Central cafeteria and T.J. Jones Library. According to Gonzalez, the terrifying roar of a jungle cat was heard reverberating between the buildings and a moment later, out of the mist appeared a glorious white tiger and upon his back, a Ninja clad all in black.

IMAGES: Police sketches of assailants

"He told me I was a worthy opponent, bowed, then removed my wallet by deftly manuevering his katana into my back pocket," Gonzalez said to police last night. Badly shaken and immobile, Gonzalez was forced to watch as the muggers dug through his belongings. Removing the $8 dollars in cash first, then mocking him for the picture on his driver's license. "It was mortifying," the Sophomore added, "they even took my Blockbuster card... my Blockbuster card!" It wasn't until the tiger threatened a mauling that Gonzalez finally gave up his Timex wrist watch.

According to witnesses in the Carlson dorm who first heard the initial roar, the alley was so thick with smoke it was impossible to see the muggers. Police assume the attackers were using a type of smoke screen device to cover their escape, or some sort of black magic.

"It's a shame a student can't walk home from work in this city without being afraid of big cats and masters of the dark martial arts." A representative from North Central University said this morning. "Just last month they finally arrested the graffiti Pirate [cause of the infamous "R"s spraypainted on bus stops and highway overhangs across the city]. It just seems like students can't get a break." Fortunately, Gonzalez escaped with little more then a headache, ripped clothes, and a good story.

Police are still searching for a male caucasian tiger approximately 9'6'' long 460 lbs and a wild ninja approximately 5'11'' weighing 175 lbs and carrying nunchaku. They may or may not be disguising themselves as a circus act to avoid detection. - Woodward