MILLER HALL, MINNEAPOLIS, MN - North Central University is a private Christian college in the heart of Minneapolis. It's code of conduct is referred to as "The NCU Way" and paints a clear picture of what the school expects from Students, Staff, and Faculty. Activities and lifestyles such as smoking, drinking, use of drugs, dancing, gambling, premarital sexual activity, homosexuality, and swearing are strictly prohibited and 'supposedly' wreak swift consequences.
Fourth year Junior Jonathon Allford was recently confronted about smelling like tobacco products upon returning home from a nearby Cinema and had to meet with his RA Jonas Fletcher. "I was expecting to get reamed out hardcore about smoking but we actually only talked about that situation for like 30 seconds," Allford explains, "Then Jonas kept asking me to be a DL (Discipleship Leader) on the floor next year."
Allford is not the first student whose disciplinary meeting was more similar to an interview than an actual corrective action discussion. "I didn't even have to write a paper or do housekeeping duties to 'work off' getting caught watching an R-Rated movie in the dorms," one student reflected, "I just said I would think about applying to be in leadership and take the Leadership Development class offered in the Spring." The purpose behind this way of handling disciplinary action seems to remain unclear.
The Student Development department at North Central declined to comment, but a former member contacted the Northern Plight office and explained that NCU believes very strongly that the best way to help people recover from their 'wicked ways' is to put them in charge of their confused and vulnerable peers. Whether or not this tactic is working is still unknown. Though Allford has yet to turn in his application to be a DL and has been reported as having a very "Lysol'y" citrus smell to him. -BERNSTEIN
8.22.2007
Annihilationist Creates Awkward Pause in Sys. Theo. IV Class
PHILLIPS HALL, MINNEAPOLIS, MN - Students shuffled feet, became very interested in their pen caps, and forced hallow coughs yesterday when NCU Junior P. Innock carried on an unconventional conversation with his instructor during Block B Systematic Theology IV. During a routine lecture concerning the eternal destination of unrepentant souls, Innock surprised his professor by asking whether or not the fire in Matthew 3:10-12 is in fact a fire of destruction and not one of torment. Witnesses report the professor was caught off guard by this question and answered by asking Innock for clarification.
"I just wanted to throw the idea out there that maybe people who don't repent simply cease to exist instead of get tortured forever." Innock told reporters later that day, "I mean, if we really believe the way to eternal life is through Jesus alone, how can someone exist completely separate from God? Like in hell for instance?"
Reportedly, the instructor answered that while the idea of simple annihilation is attractive to those who hesitate to damn those that have never had a chance to convert, the Bible simply doesn't support it.
"That's kind of what bothered me," Innock said later, "I'm not sure yet, but I think there's a strong case to at least talk about it." Witnesses report that this was the moment P. Innock directed the class to Psalm 37 where we read that "the wicked fade like grass and wither like the herb," and to Malachi 4 where it states "the day that comes shall burn them [evildoers] up, says the LORD of hosts, so that it will leave them neither root nor branch."
It was at this point what has since been called "The Pause" descended on the classroom. The professor pondered for a moment, birds could be heard chirping outside, somewhere a lonely cricket dropped a pin. "It was horrible," said one student, "One minute I was playing solitaire on my computer pretending to take notes, the next I was wondering whether or not hell existed."
"It's not what we believe in the AG," was the final answer from the professor which ended the awkward pause and seemed to allow the classroom to breathe again. Continuing with his notes, the issue didn't come up again for the remainder of the class period. "I would've liked to at least discussed it," said one Senior after, "if only to be sure of what I already believe."
In response to this, Innock has already stated he plans to do more research and present a more thorough essay once he has his facts straight. "I hope no one thinks I'm a universalist or worse, a liberal for this," Innock said before ending the interview by retreating to the library.
Those who disagree with Innock have already pledged to launch a campaign against dangerous ideas like his. Below is a future campaign poster. - WOODWARD
"I just wanted to throw the idea out there that maybe people who don't repent simply cease to exist instead of get tortured forever." Innock told reporters later that day, "I mean, if we really believe the way to eternal life is through Jesus alone, how can someone exist completely separate from God? Like in hell for instance?"
Reportedly, the instructor answered that while the idea of simple annihilation is attractive to those who hesitate to damn those that have never had a chance to convert, the Bible simply doesn't support it.
"That's kind of what bothered me," Innock said later, "I'm not sure yet, but I think there's a strong case to at least talk about it." Witnesses report that this was the moment P. Innock directed the class to Psalm 37 where we read that "the wicked fade like grass and wither like the herb," and to Malachi 4 where it states "the day that comes shall burn them [evildoers] up, says the LORD of hosts, so that it will leave them neither root nor branch."
It was at this point what has since been called "The Pause" descended on the classroom. The professor pondered for a moment, birds could be heard chirping outside, somewhere a lonely cricket dropped a pin. "It was horrible," said one student, "One minute I was playing solitaire on my computer pretending to take notes, the next I was wondering whether or not hell existed."
"It's not what we believe in the AG," was the final answer from the professor which ended the awkward pause and seemed to allow the classroom to breathe again. Continuing with his notes, the issue didn't come up again for the remainder of the class period. "I would've liked to at least discussed it," said one Senior after, "if only to be sure of what I already believe."
In response to this, Innock has already stated he plans to do more research and present a more thorough essay once he has his facts straight. "I hope no one thinks I'm a universalist or worse, a liberal for this," Innock said before ending the interview by retreating to the library.
Those who disagree with Innock have already pledged to launch a campaign against dangerous ideas like his. Below is a future campaign poster. - WOODWARD
POSTER CAPTION: SAVE HELL, SAY NO TO LIBERAL THEOLOGY!
8.19.2007
HEADLINES FOR THIS WEEK
front page:
TEXT MESSAGE SENT DURING CHAPEL
local:
HOT GIRL TO ENROLL IN FALL
politics:
NCU STUDENT SUPPORTS OBAMA JUST TO GET ATTENTION
health:
ALTER CALL PRAYER PARTNER POLITELY OFFERED BREATH MINT
student life:
SENIOR SIPS SUSPICIOUS MALT AND HOP BEVERAGE, GOES STRAIGHT TO HELL
technology:
PROTECTIVE CASE DESTROYS AESTHETIC APPEAL OF HIP NEW GADGET
opinion:
"I NEED A MORE GROWN UP SOUNDING EMAIL ADDRESS" - By wholetthedogsout03@aol.com
TEXT MESSAGE SENT DURING CHAPEL
local:
HOT GIRL TO ENROLL IN FALL
politics:
NCU STUDENT SUPPORTS OBAMA JUST TO GET ATTENTION
health:
ALTER CALL PRAYER PARTNER POLITELY OFFERED BREATH MINT
student life:
SENIOR SIPS SUSPICIOUS MALT AND HOP BEVERAGE, GOES STRAIGHT TO HELL
technology:
PROTECTIVE CASE DESTROYS AESTHETIC APPEAL OF HIP NEW GADGET
opinion:
"I NEED A MORE GROWN UP SOUNDING EMAIL ADDRESS" - By wholetthedogsout03@aol.com
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