Miss South Carolina Accepted To NCU

Caitlin Upton addressing Geography Education during the Miss Teen USA 2007 Pageant. This youtube video gathered more 3.5 million views less then 48 hours after the competition aired on TV.

CHARLESTON, SOUTH CAROLINA - Miss Teen USA pageant contestant Caitlin Upton stunned judges and audiences last week with her unlikely response to a question regarding Geography Education in the United States. Now the North Central admissions board is proud to announce Miss South Carolina's acceptance to NCU and her success in meeting the rigorous educational standards set by a four year college.

This morning, a representative from North Central issued a statement to reporters. "Miss Upton clearly represents the caliber of students we seek to invite into our classrooms at North Central. She's smart, well-groomed, grew up in a conservative charismatic church, and she told us God called her to do something or other."

The announcement comes in the face of ongoing questions concerning North Central's acceptance standards. The accredited college has long been known to accept applicants before they've completed a FAFSA or even taken an ACT or SAT test. Concerns have also arisen regarding numerous students who've consistently proven themselves unable to pay their tuition yet remain in North Central classrooms, digging themselves deeper into debt instead of taking time out from college to gain greater financial security.

"For me there was really no question," said Jacob Lewis, a Youth Ministry major who openly admits to struggling both academically and financially since his acceptance last year. "I knew I wanted to work with young people in a church, and I've always been told I needed a four year degree to do something like that. North Central was my only option."

It's been argued that many at NCU assume anyone who presents themselves as having a healthy relationship with Christ that asks to go North Central, probably belongs at North Central. Regardless many have started asking the question whether or not college (and the inevitable debt that follows) really is the best route for some young people. It is amidst these growing questions Caitlin Upton will arrive on campus ready to be a voice for those who don't own maps. Her academic career could be an important element in the future of this debate. - WOODWARD

HEADLINES FOR THIS WEEK

front page:
CHRISTIAN UNCOMFORTABLE WITH LIFTING HANDS DURING CHAPEL IS ONLY ONE LEFT CLAPPING

local:
STREET WITNESS OUTING ENDS IN STUDENTS CONVERSION TO ISLAM

politics:
HOSTESS RELEASES "OBAMA CAKES' IN ATTEMPT TO MATCH SUCCESS OF "DOLE BANANAS" AND KERRY/"HEINZ KETCHUP"

health:
FRESHMEN WITH BLOODY NOSE SEARCHES FOR SCHOOL NURSE

student life:
STUDENT ACTIVITIES COMMITTEE CHANGES NAME TO "COLLEGIATE OFFICERS CONTROLLING THE COMMOTION" IN EFFORT TO AVOID 'SACK' JOKES

technology:
GOOGLE SEARCH FOR RESEARCH ON 'TROUBLED TEENS' MORE RISKY THAN PREVIOUSLY THOUGHT

opinion:
'I THINK MY ROOMMATE MIGHT BE GAY, BUT THERE IS ONLY ONE WAY TO BE SURE..." - JAKE SHIMETT

Worship Live Livid with Audience

MINNEAPOLIS, MINNESOTA - Recently at North Central University, the worship band designated to lead music during the majority of the mandatory chapel services has grown increasingly fed up with their audience. “They just don’t take us literally when we say to hold the applause ‘til we’re finished with the song. When everyone tries clapping during the song, it just throws the groove off,” explains the Worship Live bassist.

Another problem that has arisen for Worship Live is it seems most people are not even paying attention to them. “Half of the concert hall has their eyes closed while they’re reaching out to us. The support is nice but honestly, we want all your attention not just half of it,” added their drummer.

Worship Live is a group of students plucked from the ranks of mainly Music Majors to perform almost everyday at 11:00 AM at the Trask Worship Center on the NCU campus. They represent the best of the best at NCU, if not just the ones with the most time on their hands. This lack of enthusiasm towards their performances has become a growing concern for the members and organizers of the group.

“With the record industry in such a state of distress, live shows are the best way to judge if your music is actually reaching people. CD sales and Billboard charts are almost meaningless.” A North Central Music Professor states. “If Worship Live isn’t getting their support during Chapel they may as well just forget about getting the funding to cut a record this year.”

So with the fate of this year’s Worship Live up in the air, the group has been scouring the internet and Christian Book stores for all the Hillsong CD’s they can find. The acoustic guitarist explains, “We have to hit ‘em hard, and nothing does that like a song written in Australia that is extremely overused during the summer camp season.” - BERNSTEIN

Christian Dinner Party Discusses World Poverty Over Stuffed Lobster and Caviar

"Frankly, in order to make a real difference, we're all going to have to make sacrifices. Oh, could you please pass the cream sauce? - Lifelong Evangelical Christian Leonard White

EDINA, MN - Sam and Hannah Kannon finally got together for dinner with their friends Leonard and Julianne White last Friday night. The long time attenders of First Assembly Tabernacle had been discussing spending time together ever since Martha and Julianne ran into each other unexpectedly in the condiment aisle of Byerly's 3 years ago. The evening's conversation topics ranged from the warranty on Leonard's new Buick to the recipe for the meringue on the dessert. As the main course was served, talk turned to more serious items like politics, religion, and eventually, the situation of world poverty.

"Well, that missionary last Sunday just broke my heart with his video of all those hungry Africans," said Julianne White as she lit the candles in the table's centerpiece. "We wrote him a check so he can give all those poor kids some Bibles."

"I think part of the offering also went to building a school in a remote village," added Hannah Kannon.

Leonard White cleared his throat gruffly, and complained, "It's too bad about that school. After all, what's the point of feeding people or teaching them to read if they're just going to go to hell anyway?"

This seemed to end the line of conversation until Sam Kannon inquired whether or not meeting physical needs might make people more receptive to hearing what could meet their spiritual needs.

"I suppose that might work," responded Julianne White. "But then we'd have to buy a lot of food to give away, wouldn't we?" She added after offering her guests more potatoes.

Leonard paused for a moment before pronouncing thoughtfully, "I see your point but it all just sounds too Catholic to me. We can't afford to make the Gospel a good works thing. I mean, it's not like Jesus wasted time feeding people or providing medical help when there was a sermon to be preached."

A few moments later Hannah began explaining how at times Jesus' gospel seemed to be a two fold message of promising a fuller life both now and after death when Leonard interrupted by explaining how Jesus also said we'd always have the poor with us so it was better not to worry too much about trying to help them.

The discussion subject then changed to the unusual amount of storms the Twin Cities had been experiencing recently and the dinner continued without incident. The Kannons left around 10:30 that evening with promises of getting together again soon, and both couples later told reporters how delicious the lemon meringue was. - WOODWARD